August 13, 2008
Andretti Wins Big At Olympics
By Max Buzzell

COCOA BEACH (Space Cadet) - If the athletes thought the smog was bad at the Los Angeles Olympics in 1984 they would be aghast if they were now experiencing what Beijing has in store for athletes this year.

Here is Chico Blaj, a bat representing Transylvania, winning the Gold in the 200m Sprint event. The other competitors were still blindly groping around at the starting line.

Here is Gabriel Biertan, another athlete from Transylvania, winning the Gold in the 400m Hurdles. The other nation's competitors fell in a massive pile-up at the first hurdle.

Here is young King Robert the First of Medias, also representing Transylvania and winning the Gold in the Pole Vault event.

Here is Mario Andretti in a Lotus 123 representing the United States and winning the Gold in Triple Jump. The turning on of his headlights was considered the deciding factor in this well-fought race. A close second was the Dalai Lama in a Tata, but he had his headlights off and instead was relying on the Force to guide him.

This is what happened to an otherwise quiet neighborhood in Beijing after Mario Andretti heaved his Gold-winning shot in the Shot Put event.

Here is Mario Andretti swimming across the Pacific and back to America. Not too many athletes tried to follow him in that the Long Swim is still not an official Olympic event.

Here is the view from San Francisco where a large crowd is gathered awaiting the arrival of Andretti after his cross-Pacific swim.

The smog wasn't caused by auto exhaust or coal burning as was originally thought, but by a Tibetan wizard who was cooking kabobs for moolah on the outskirts of Beijing.

He had been cooking for quite a while, and the clouds he made were visible from space. Here is a shot of him from the International Space Station.

 

Oh! Here is Mario Andretti now. He's decided to swim the Pacific underwater to get a better view of the sea life that he passes.