March 7, 2006
HUAD Jokes
By Max Buzzell
GULFPORT (Gabfest) - A HUAD is someone who should "Hang Up And Drive." That is what you would yell at them if you could. And that is what they have temporarily become to you. You watch out for them, and when you spot one you take defensive measures.
So here are a few jokes you could try out on your friends:
Q: How many HUADs does it take to drive a car into a ditch?
A: None, the car will just go into the ditch by itself. (That's
why cars have drivers, trick question.)
Q: Is it unlucky for a black cat to pass in front of a HUAD
while he or she is driving?
A: For the cat, yes.
Q: Is it unlucky for a HUAD to drive under the ladder of a fire truck?
HUAD Answer: What ladder? Did we just pass a fire truck? What's that fireman doing on the hood of my car?
Q: How long does it take a HUAD to screw in a light bulb?
A: If he's on the phone, about as long as it take him to turn left with a favorable a green light.
Q: If two HUADs are driving in opposite directions toward
each other, how likely is it that they will collide?
A: Not as likely as the chances that they will each collide with someone going in the same direction first.
Q: If a HUAD drifts into your lane in front of you, is it legal to fire a warning shot at the rear of his car (perhaps, aiming for the gas tank)?
A: It depends on what State you're in.
Q: If a HUAD in front of you and traveling in the same direction drifts into your lane and then into oncoming traffic, do you honk your horn to warn him?
A: Are you nuts? He might easily swerve back and hit you instead. Best to just hope he makes it over to the ditch on the other side.
Q: Who stands the best chance of passing a "Drunk test": a HUAD or a Drunk Driver?
A: The Drunk Driver, at least that guy would be able to hear the instructions.
Q: Who do Drunk Drivers fear on the road even more than they fear the police?
A: Drunk HUADs.
Q: If a HUAD and a Drunk Driver are in a head-on collision, would either notice?
A: Who cares?
Q: If Superman had a cell phone and super-negotiating skills, would he be able to prevent all robberies before they happened, thereby obviating the need for his other superpowers?
A: Maybe.
(This is a HUAD-friendly joke: a HUAD would probably answer "Yes.")
Q: If all the cars on the road drifted off into the ditch and crashed because all of the drivers were on the phone and none of them were paying attention, would my insurance premium go up?
A: Yes.
Q: If a guy lets slip a proposal of marriage on the way over
to his girlfriend's house, and on the phone she says that she'll think about
it, and then they both hang up, and he then turns into her driveway and meets
her in person, is she then expected to give him an answer, or is he expected
to ask her again?
A: He's a HUAD, she should "just say NO!"
Q: If a HUAD drives into his own garage while
still talking to his wife on the phone, and the garage door closes behind him,
but the car is still running, will he just eventually die from the fumes,
or will his wife eventually notice that something is wrong by the way he responds
and warn him to get out of the car?
A: How much life insurance does he have?
Q: If you call someone, and then stay on the phone with them
for the entire trip while you drive over to their house, and you still have more
to say, do you: a) stay in your car and continue with the conversation, b) keep
driving around the block until the conversation is over, or c) tell them
where you are, and that you can now hang up and talk in person?
A: Never hang up!
(This joke was sponsored by a cell-phone company.)
Q: If you're a policeman investigating a multi-car pileup on the highway, how can you determine who caused the accident?
A: Look for a cell phone. If nobody in the pile-up has a cell-phone, then the culprit not only got away, but he or she probably doesn't know that they caused the accident.
Q: How do you unload dead HUADs off a truck?
A: First, grab all the cell-phones, they're worth money. Then
use a pitch fork, the same way you would unload dead babies.
Q: If a HUAD sees a ghost on the highway, who's he going to call?
A: Ghostbusters.
Q: If all Congressmen and Congresswomen were HUADs and preferred to meet via conference calls from their cars, would they be able to close down and perhaps sell the Capitol Building?
A: No, the Senators would still need a place to sit.
Additional HUAD Jokes - added as I think of them:
Q: How many HUADs can you fit in a phone booth?
A: The phone booth has been replaced by . . . the car. This
is a trick question. So the correct answer is one, unless you want to count people
who are not driving.
Q: A HUAD goes to a shrink, and asks: "Is there anything
wrong with me?"
A: The shrink says: "Yes, but you can fix that easily by not
driving while distracted. Ha-ha-ha." (Shrinks have a sick sense of humor.)
Q: If you are driving in the middle of three lanes going
the same way, and there is a HUAD to the left of you and a HUAD to the right
of you, do you:
a) slam on the brakes to avoid a probable and imminent accident,
b) accelerate to get the HUADs behind you,
c) eject James Bond-style (there is no time for either a)
or b) above,
d) smile, and hope they each drive into their own ditch and
don't hit your car?
A: Your insurance company is going to hope you picked a) or
b), but if you do have an ejector seat, you might want to keep your finger near
the button until you get out of harm's way.
Q: In the above scenario, what do you do if the cars to the
left and right of you have tinted windows, or if visibility is such that you
can't tell if they are on the phone?
A: The same as above (i.e. don't risk it).
Q: If you are overtaken by a HUAD, do you:
a) speed up and overtake the HUAD to get them behind you,
b) take a different route to where you are going because you
fear trouble up ahead soon,
c) follow the HUAD at a safe distance in the hopes that you
do see a spectacular accident?
A: This is a psychological profile question. If you answered
c) then you are a happy normal person (even if a bit sadistic). If you answered
a) or b) then you are too risk averse for your own good.
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